Sissy Men: Raising Boys Into Men

By Harold Vaughan
Concerned about the moral collapse around them, many Christian parents have made a deliberate choice in recent decades to be more “family oriented” — to guard their homes, shepherd their children closely, and push back against the tide of a corrupting culture. Their motives are good, and the concern is legitimate. But necessity dictates that we take a long, hard look at the young men we are producing. In far too many Christian homes, the problem is not beer-drinking, party-going, and wild-living. The problem is a lack of masculine men.

1. Over-Mothered / Under-Fathered

Back in grade school there was a boy in our class who was a sissy. He acted like a girl. His mannerisms were girl-like. No boy in the class could relate to him because of his feminine characteristics. The guys could not stand him. However, the girls all loved him because he was just like them.

There are inherent dangers when boys are raised primarily by female care-givers, or when fathers are present in the home but absent from the work of raising sons. Well-intentioned mothers tend to be overly cautious, risk averse, and overly protective. Since women think like women, they will naturally influence their sons to think like women, unless that influence is counter-balanced by a strong father or another godly male figure. Yes, sister, we all want our sons to be gentlemen — but we emphatically want them to be “MEN!”

Meekness, while a very important virtue, is only one of the desired character qualities for young men. “They that know their God shall do exploits.” Anyone who accomplishes exploits must have initiative, aggressiveness, creativity, boldness, and courage. One of the marks of the judgment of God is when men become like women (Isa. 19:16). You have to wonder how non-involved, passive fathers and over-bearing mothers have contributed to the wholesale collapse of masculinity we see in our culture today.

2. Over Taught / Under Worked

Education is important, but it is not all-important. Young men must be taught to work, and to work hard. God said that men should earn their living by the “sweat of the brow.” I am simplistic enough to believe that work, therefore, is the prerequisite for “sweat.”

Young men need to be challenged. They need to learn endurance, perseverance, and ingenuity in accomplishing their goals. There is something right and something rewarding about learning to work with your hands. In the divine order, achievement creates a sense of purpose and satisfaction.

Many families today live in circumstances where sons rarely see their fathers labor, much less labor alongside them. Fathers whose work happens behind a screen or in an office far from home face a real dilemma in this regard. Although difficult, creative parents will find ways to train their sons to work. Physical labor is just as important as academics in the training of young men.

3. Over Indulged / Under Disciplined

Child-centered parenting is a failure. I seriously doubt if running from one activity to another is the pathway to maturity. Most people, including children, follow the path of least resistance. Children need guidance and direction, and it is our job to lead them. Parents must take an active role in the lives of their children, not simply manage their schedules.

Someone said that the main thing missing in child training is the trainer. Somebody will be in charge. It is our responsibility as parents to establish our authority and carry out our mission rather than satisfy childish indulgences.

I do not believe that all competition is of the devil. It is almost as if some Christian parents are training their children to be non-achievers. This “attempt nothing,” “do nothing,” “say nothing,” and above all “don’t excel” approach is contrary to the dominion mandate that God gave to Adam. Surely there is a balance between achievement and the way we relate to others. Practice, preparation, and discipline in perfecting skills should be viewed as allies, rather than adversaries.

Parenting is hard. Worldly churches and an immoral culture make it even harder. Caution must be taken regarding pendulum swings and imbalances, lest we produce successive generations of “girly men.”

A Word to Every Home

Whatever your circumstances — large family or small, homeschooled or not, city or country — the mandate is the same. God is looking for fathers who will father, mothers who will support that fathering, and homes that will produce men of courage, not sissies. The next generation of preachers, deacons, husbands, and fathers is being formed today, at your kitchen table and in your backyard. Don’t waste the opportunity.